Subject: TP/NX fiction (repost) From: jgp@raid.Rational.COM (Jim Pellmann) Date: 1992-09-16, 16:14 Newsgroups: alt.tv.northern-exp,alt.tv.twin-peaks All the recent talk in alt.tv.northern-exp comparing TP and NX reminded me of this fiction posted about 6 months ago. NX fans will appreciate it more if they know who Albert in TP is. TP fans will appreciate it more if they know something about NX characters. Anyway, here it is: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: ceblair@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Charles Blair) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv Subject: NEXP: A Future Episode Date: 28 Feb 92 16:13:42 GMT Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana Lines: 477 [This is a synthesis of Northern Exposure and Twin Peaks. The more you know about both programs, the better. An early version of the first half of it was posted several months ago. Thanks to Matt Brockman, Victor Kan, and thmartin for encouraging remarks and suggestions. Charles Blair] ********************************************************************** A man in a suit and tie with a crewcut arrives in Joel's office, accompanied by two subordinates wearing dark glasses. ``Where's Fleischman?'' Marilyn holds out a card, ``You are number six.'' The newcomer ignores the card. ``Sweetheart, I am not a number, I am a free man. You tell your doctor that he has something more important than handing out leaflets on how to avoid heatstroke, and that if he isn't out here in...'' While he has been talking a man has come in holding card number 5. Like many other Cicely residents, he is not particularly belligerent, but he is big. ``It should be another 40 minutes, Steve,'' Marilyn says. The newcomer stalks out. ********************************************************************* Chris is in the mood for theoretical physics today. ``Kant liked to talk about a priori, universal truths. He considered geometry a good example, but nothing seems safe in our non-Euclidean world. Is the gravitational constant really a constant? Is---'' The newcomer [his name is Albert, but we don't learn that for a while] storms in. ``One universal truth, pal. A town may not have a city hall, it may not have a police station, but such are the wonders of electromagnetic radiation that there is always some mush-head ready and able to pass on his notion of enlightment to a captive audience...'' [ As Albert began his harangue, Chris had grabbed the nearest record (which happened to be ``Pennsylvania 6-5000'') and put it on. However he made a mistake with the microphone, and Albert's thoughts are being carried all over town. We have a series of shots of people staring at each other in Dr Fleischman's office, Ruthanne's store, etc as Albert continues. ] ``I guess this is a case of a government as good as its people. I saw some derelict in a blue hat imitating Bigfoot on my way into this excuse for a town, and it's been downhill from there. I have never seen such a collection of lowlifes except on the back of a record jacket.'' [ Final shot in Holling's bar with Albert coming through loud and clear] ``Welcome to Cicely! Mean temperature, 10. Mean IQ, the same, maybe a little higher if you include the bears...'' Ed says ``That's what Cicely needs--- a bureau of tourism.'' as Maurice dashes out. ******************************************************************** Chris has finally realized his mistake with the microphone. The record is now being broadcast. It consists of swing music, punctuated by the single line ``Pennsylvania 6-5000'' every once in a while. Albert asks, ``What does this village have in the way of an authority figure? I saw a moose on the sidewalk. Maybe he's the chairman of the Planning Commission. [deep voice] Watch me pull a rabbit out of a hat.'' Chris points at Maurice, who has just come in, followed by Ed. ``I can see it must really hurt you to be here. I'm sure there's a real good reason, and I just can't wait to hear what it is.'' ``Forensic pathology. Got that? F-o-r-e-n-s...'' ``Doesn't that mean you're a high-class undertaker?'' ``Somebody dies here. You send fingerprints by dogsled and we finally learn that you've got somebody we've wanted for an assortment of attempted murders and drug deals. Then we get organs with enough tarantula venom for three people. It might be worth taking a look at the body.'' ``I don't think we can help you.'' ``Can you say court order, boys and girls? C-o-u-r...'' ``I'm sorry, we didn't keep the ashes. Around here, we don't believe in urns.'' Albert stares at Maurice. ``I know the concept of homicide investigation is beyond most backwater burgs. I was doing an autopsy in one hick town when they decided it was time for the funeral, but your pre-emptive strike has them beat.'' Chris says, ``This conversation is getting a little heavy. Why don't we all grab a bite and re-orient ourselves?'' Everyone else ignores him, and Chris leaves. Albert says. ``Maybe this is a town of immortals. Nobody dies, so you don't need a morgue.'' ``We have a meat freezer, but it was the middle of deer season.'' ``A meat freezer? I see the spirit of Albert Packer lives on.'' [Chris has come back with a sandwich] ``This place would fascinate an anthropologist, but I am a simple law enforcement officer, and I have to get back to the real world.'' ``You may have the pleasure of our company a bit longer,'' Chris says. ``Did you drive here in a blue van?'' ``That's just great. We spend ninety minutes trying to get straight answers out of the village elders, and already the yokels have stripped our van.'' Maurice has been looking out the window. He is amused. ``People don't steal hubcaps in Cicely. Nobody's touched your van. And nobody's going to for a while, either.'' Albert looks out the window. An igloo has been built around the van. Before Albert can say anything Maurice continues, ``I assure you I had nothing to do with this. It would be the farthest thing from my mind to delay your departure.'' He looks at Albert's helpers. ``Let me see if I can get you boys some tools.'' The helpers look at Albert. He shrugs, and they leave with Maurice. From time to time for the rest of the episode, we see them working with pickaxes in the background. By now, ``Pennsylvania 6-5000'' has gone through about its 20th chorus. The phone rings. Chris answers, ``I know. We're a little off our regular programming today. I'm just going to put on something else.'' Chris is reaching for the phonograph, when an attractive woman comes in, whom some long-time viewers will recognize. ``Really, there should be a better sign for US 1.'' Albert says, ``Why bother? Nobody in this town can read.'' Chris recognizes her instantly. He forgets the phonograph and makes gasping noises. He opens a drawer, grabs a piece of paper, and hands it to the lady. She reads, ``I thought I would never see you again.'' Chris hands her another note. ``G. K. Chesterton questioned whether an arbitrary system of grunts and squeals could denote all the mysteries of memory and all the agonies of desire.'' The lady smiles at Chris. She glances at Albert. ``Somebody can certainly write.'' She reads another note, and says to Chris. ``I can see this is pretty intense for you. I'd be happy to join you for lunch.'' As she and Chris leave together, Albert pantomines playing a violin (which looks strange with the record still going), while Ed watches impassively. The record has gotten to the 30th chorus of ``Pennsylvania 6-5000.'' The phone rings. Albert leans over the desk and snatches it. ``No, I'm not.'' Looks at Ed. ``Are you Chris?'' Ed shakes his head. Back to the phone: ``Well, would you rather have a marathon of `Louie, Louie'?'' Slams down the phone. It rings again immediately. Albert grabs the phone. ``If you don't like it, why don't you watch Sesame Street?'' Slam. Phone rings again. Albert sits behind the desk and studies the equipment for a minute. He takes off the record and switches on the microphone. ``Your regularly scheduled drivel has been cancelled due to hormonal imbalance. The music you have been listening to is `Pennsylvania 6-5000.' That wasn't too hard to figure out, was it?'' As Albert talks he is browsing the record collection. ``Apparently Glenn Miller isn't appreciated here. Even in the civilized world, big band music doesn't get the attention it deserves. The last person I met who really understood it was a serial killer, one of whose victims was his daughter.'' ``Anyway, I've found a Frank Zappa number which has a lot to say about you, me, and us.'' Albert puts on a selection from Freak Out (1966): You're probably wondering Why I'm here, And so am I! So am I! Just as much as you wonder, 'Bout me bein' in this place That's just how much I marvel At the lameness on your face ... As Albert switches off the microphone, Ed says ``A stranger comes to town, tearing the lid off all its dark secrets. Clint Eastwood in `High Plains Drifter.' The Man With No Name.'' ``I have a name. Albert A-l-b-e-r-t Rosenfield R-o-s-e-n-f-i-e-l-d.'' ``I'm Ed E-d ---'' ``Of course, of course.'' ``Do you think the second gunman was on the grassy knoll? Or was he in another room of the Schoolbook Depository?'' ``I don't know. I was supposed to be on the panel that looked at the X-rays for the House Committee, but Bill Webster got cold feet. He was afraid I wouldn't get along well with others.'' ``Oh.'' ********************************************************************** Maurice and Ed are at the bar with Holling. Maurice is in a good mood. Through the window, we can see Albert's helpers hard at work. ``I don't approve of vandalism, you understand, but its amazing how much a determined, public-spirited, group of people can accomplish in a short time.'' The radio has just finished the 7 Dwarves Song (``Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work...'') and Albert comes back on the air. ``I'm running low on juvenile entertainment. The phone has been pretty quiet here. Maybe someone out there could try using his or her paws to lift the receiver, then punch numbers with your snout...'' Holling says to Maurice, ``Are you sure it's a good idea to let him abuse the public that way?'' ``We don't have much choice.'' Maurice points out Chris writing notes for his guest at a nearby table. ``That's an interesting ice sculpture they're making,'' She says. Chris scribbles some more. ``I saw somebody who was really good at pantomine with a circus about a month ago.'' We hear Albert take a phone call. A familiar voice: ``You called me a DERELICT? Do you want to DIE?'' ``We all have to go sometime, pal. I just hope you're not going to stomp me to death.'' Albert hangs up. ``Do you want to go on the air again?'' Maurice asks. Holling shakes his head. ``We're stuck with what's-his-name while nature takes its course.'' ``His name is Albert,'' Ed says. ``A-l-b-e-r---'' Maurice and Holling glower at Ed, and he shuts up. Shelley comes up. ``Well, I think he's fun. Things have been too quiet around here.'' ``He's not funny,'' Holling insists. Albert continues from the radio, ``I understand the local bistro is called The Brick. I'm not sure if the name refers to the food or the customers.'' Shelley giggles. Holling scowls. Maurice shrugs and grins. ``This is your captive commentator, coming to you on station K-something-something-something, on the minefield Communications Network.'' Maurice bangs the table with his fist. Holling still scowling. Shelley laughs out loud. Ed eats. ********************************************************************* Albert has just finished playing a musical version of ``Jack and the Beanstalk,'' with an annoying singsong chorus of ``FEE FI FO FUM.'' His phone rings. We cut to a shot of Joel in his office holding a phone. ``You think you're a radio host? We're the host and you're the parasite!'' He hangs up. Back to Albert at the station. ``Parasite? Three whole syllables! I think I've had the privilege of talking to this town's answer to Albert Schweitzer. Listen, pal. I wasn't impressed with the job you did on those organs, but, for your own good, maybe you should go into my line of work. Just remember, cadavers don't file malpractice suits.'' *********************************************************************** Back at The Brick, Chris is still writing notes for his companion. ``No, that's not what Jung meant,'' she says. ``There's a long discus- sion in his correspondence with von Zahnd.'' Chris writes more. Shelley brings a tray. ``It's nice to see some new people,'' she says. She sees Holling coming over with a bottle and wanders to Ed's table. ``Ed, don't you ever find things get boring?'' Shelley is talking noticeably louder than usual. ``You mean like in MARTY? Ernest Borgnine's greatest performance?'' Shelley is puzzled. ``I guess so.'' Ed thinks for a minute. ``No.'' At the other table, Holling says to Chris' guest (also noticeably louder than usual), ``It's nice to have somebody who appreciates our place. Some people start taking it for granted.'' Chris nods to Holling in a friendly way, but it is clear he is anxious to get back to writing. As he starts again, his guest asks ``You are going to draw me a map of US 1, aren't you?'' Chris' pencil breaks. His companion cries out and puts a hand to her eye. ************************************************************** Joel's office. He gently removes the woman's hand and looks at the eye as Chris watches. ``It's not really dangerous, but I think it should be treated right away. I haven't had to deal with embedded foreign bodies often, but I'm sure I can---'' Joel stops as he notices something through his window. ``Wait a minute! You're in luck! Just hold on a second...'' An Optomobile trailer which Chris remembers very well has just pulled into the street. Joel has rushed outside to summon the optometrist, whom Chris also remembers very well. The lady is holding her eye, and not paying any attention to Chris. Chris does not like the idea of talking (or writing) his way out of this situation. He sidles out of the room, out the back door into an alley. Chris had been quiet as he left the office. He sees a bear in the alley. The bear has its back to Chris and is treading slowly down the alley on all fours. Chris is VERY quiet as he moves towards the other end of the alley. He notices that one of the footprints left by the bear has a missing toe. Chris gets to the end of the alley and dashes across the street to The Brick. Only Holling and Shelley are inside, cleaning at opposite ends of the bar, ignoring each other. Chris shouts ``HOLLING!'' All three are astonished that his voice has returned. ``I think it's Jesse!'' ************************************************************** The bear is standing on two legs, awkwardly manipulating a doorknob. It manages to go in what turns out to be a back entrance to the radio station. Still on two legs, the bear goes into the broadcast room, where Albert is leafing through a stack of books. The bear makes growling noises. Albert looks at the bear. The bear looks at Albert. It waves its paws and growls again. Albert lays a pistol on the desk. ``This is a Walther PPK. It is very good for accuracy, but not powerful. If you were a real bear, I would be worried. But you're not, so I'm not.'' Ed takes off his bear head and smiles. ``Did you really think you were going to scare me away?'' Albert asks. ``Was this your idea of a good deed?'' ``No, I was doing a different good deed.'' Albert looks puzzled. ``You really don't want to know.'' ``No, I guess I don't.'' Albert goes back to the stack of books. ************************************************************ Holling in the alley, clutching a rifle, looking at the footprints. He is puzzled. ``Don't worry, hon,'' Shelley says, her arm around his waist. ``You'll get Jesse sometime.'' ************************************************************** Albert has run out of records. ``I see that my predecessor reads a lot of Jung. I have to admit this place is ideal for doing research on the collective unconcious.'' Albert takes a phone call. The voice on the other end is recognizable to watchers of another program. ``ALBERT, I WAS WONDERING WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO YOU.'' ``It's a long story, Gor---'' ``WE NEED YOU RIGHT AWAY.'' ``We were vandalized and I'm not sure how long it's going to take.'' ``COOP'S BEEN ACTING VERY STRANGELY AND HAS JUST DISAPPEARED. I THINK HE'S ABDUCTED SHELLEY THE WAITRESS.'' Shot of Shelley and Holling in The Brick, arms around each other. Shelley is puzzled. ``I haven't been abducted. I'm right here.'' Holling makes a reassuring noise. Back to Albert at the station. ``WE'RE GOING TO FLY YOU BACK.'' At these words, the self-assured Albert we all know and love starts changing. ``Gordon, you know I don't fly.'' Another scene of Shelley and Holling, with the conversation coming through on the radio. ``WE'RE HAVING A BUSH PILOT GET YOU BACK TO JUNEAU, THEN YOU'LL BE ON THE RED-EYE SPECIAL TO SEATTLE, WITH A CHOPPER TO TWIN PEAKS. THIS IS IMPORTANT, ALBERT. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE WOMAN I LOVE.'' The line goes dead, as Holling looks at Shelley with some concern. Back at the station, Albert is saying ``I don't fly'' to himself as firmly as possible. Maggie comes in, slamming the door. ``Welcome to amateur hour,'' she says. ``I've known trees that main- tained a higher level of discourse. Did you know there's a composition consisting of one minute thirty-three seconds of complete silence? We would have been better off with a marathon performance of that! Anyway, that's academic now. I'm your pilot.'' Albert turns green. ``Don't tell me you're sexist. I'm perfectly qualified. It's been months since the last time I ditched.'' Greener. ``And after that happened, your buddy Fleischman fixed the engine, so it's good as new!'' Albert does not resist as Maggie grabs his tie and hauls him out of his chair. *********************************************************************** What seems like the whole town has gathered at the airstrip for Albert's departure, complete with appropriate music. Many people have signs: Joel --- HAPPY LANDINGS, ALBERT Maurice --- WE'LL MISS YOU. PLEASE TRY TO MISS US Ed --- ROUND UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS The plane takes off. Maggie delights the townspeople by turning her plane upside-down and back. We do not get a shot of Albert's reaction. What we do get is a shot of Albert's assistants, almost finished with their task. They look up at the inverted plane and give cheerful waves as the screen goes black. -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I lived in my head mostly." | Jim Pellmann (jgp@rational.com) "That's not a bad neighborhood." | RATIONAL "There were some pretty strange neighbors." | Santa Clara, California
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